some space for intimacy

Plea for space and time to CREATE!

2007-06-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

Here's what my life has looked like for the past 4 weeks and will look like for the next 2:

Mon-Thursday: 9am-noon Spanish class, 12:30-3:00 (more or less) Community Service-Learning Office work, 6pm-1:30am college perk coffeehouse work (Tues & Thurs), free time?=spanish homework, lots of it...and occasional reading of of Rumi & Chomsky (I know, stark contrast)
Fri-Sun: Either at retreats, conferences, family weekends, or the like. In other words, Never Making Space To Create.

And there's just So Much Boiling Inside.

But soon enough I will be on an airplane to SPAIN and then taking a bus tour with my mom for 2 weeks through Madrid, Barcelona, southern France, and Italy. It will be sweet, sweet bliss and adventure. And I am terribly excited. (And will be terribly broke, despite working 2 jobs this summer :) Abroad, I will either write endlessly in my journal as we travel, or let even more thoughts steam-up inside of me so that when I get home and my schedule is finally freed up, I will have no time for anyone or thing but my art to finally boil over.

Anything boiling over for you? Tell me of the sweet nothings you finally have time for this summer... I'd love to hear of them.

besos, mi amigas.

Special Package Deal: Motivation Included!

2007-06-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

On my important to-do list for this very evening:

-fill out application for International Volunteerism conference in Taiwan

All essays combined = about 2,000 words total. I know I've cramed papers in this amount of time before.. and what better motivation than a free trip to Taiwan for 5 days!
Topics include natural resources and environmental protection, past community service involvement, and volunteerism and world citizenship.

Oh, did I mention if I get this application filled out by tomorrow I can go to Taiwan for FREE?? All expenses paid by UMD's President Mote! (That is, if I get chosen, of course...)

Off I go.... write, write, write!

Kisses

PS-"Keep It There" by The Weepies has kept me going lately.
"All my troubles in the rear view mirror
I know, I know I got to keep them there
To Keep Them There..."

********ADDENDUM*********
I finished! Check out the conference website!
http://osa.nccu.edu.tw/~activity/ICSL/Welcome.html

heheheeee... this is me super excited and proud of myself that i actually filled out the damn mile long application!

So much overdue...

2007-06-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

It's always these late nights after long days that my creative juices start flowing... But then just when I find time for my mind's muses to whisper words onto paper, all of the overdue stories and ideas cram into one big brain-jam of memory-traffic and it all just crashes into the hazy mess that is known as my vast and hard-to-reach memory.

And there they go...stories of a woman who predicted my future, or a $100 parking ticket, or the beauty of diverse nudity, or a kind man with a severe stutter, or a profesora de espanol fantastico, or a Gatsby-esq beach community, or a family tree that tuned into a priceless life history, or the same 2 Andrew Bird songs that make me feel alive on my 10 minute drive to work, or a simple stranger's smile, or the nerve to say no, or the courage to say yes, or the very moment when i knew that. . .

But I feel calm as these stories float adrift from the pressure to be recorded-to be held still in space and time. When the time is right, these stories will find a place for safe preservation. Until then, I'll just carry them close, bound to my heart, woven into my step, payed forward to those I reach with my smile and soul.

Until the stories surface for your reading, take a look at this:

[Judy, Me, Kathleen & Jodi enjoying some smoothies&schnapps before Jo & Kat ventured up to summer camp in Maine]

Besos,
Rach

20 songs for the summer

2007-06-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

I have a fun tradition of making a mix cd (or 2) at the start of each season. This summer, the tunes are uplifting, full, and light...all at the same time! (And very lovey-dovey, might I add). Oh, the bliss of music's many dimensions.

1. La Nueva Belleza - Jason Mraz (in honor of the Espanol class I'm taking... which I will soon be posting about. Preview: I Love it!)
2. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
3. Love Love Love - Tristan Prettyman
4. Loving You - Paolo Nutini (This whole album is so fun & uplifting!)
5. Peaceful Easy Feeling - The Eagles
6. By & By - Brett Dennen
7. Mushaboom - Feist
8. Get It While You Can - Janis Joplin
9. On the Radio - Regina Spektor
10. Moving, Shaking - Daniel Lee (Master of Music...didja know? danielleemusic.com; check him out. He's also a beautiful soul)
11. Living Life - Ben Kweller
12. She's Only Happy In the Sun - Ben Harper (beautiful, and seasonally appropriate, but not true for me. i'm really happy in the rain. and you?)
13. Upside Down - Jack Johnson
14. The River of Dreams - Billy Joel
15. For Once In My Life - Stevie Wonder
16. Head Over Feet - Alanis Morissette
17. Ohio - Crosby Stills Nash & Young
18. Find the Cost of Freedom - Crosby Stills Nash & Young (time appropriate...)
19. A Change Is Gonna Come - Otis Redding (another time appropriate one, my heart and hopes believe)
20. Shroud - Ani Difranco (because no mix is complete without this incredible womyn's insight)

You'd think I was in love, or something... which is actually quite funny. I think I'm just finding the love in daily morsels and mistakes. And feeling like some good pop music.

Dance a little today!

paz y amor, amigas.

More on Love and Letting Go

2007-06-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I finally busted out the watercolors that Brian bought me for the holidays and splashed my paint brushes into the new medium. After scribbling the words onto paper then carefully cutting them each out, I found there just wasn't space to paste them atop the painting without the whole thing looking smushed. So into the trash the words flew, and onto the paint my sharpie scribed. It's a first, so I hope you like it. Click on the image to enlarge and read. And enjoy!

ps-I'm aware of the extra "l" in resilient. There's something I like about it, though. Imperfection at it's best :)

Cheers.

The truth about Soul Mates...

2007-05-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

On the front gate of a perfect southern house in the grand but humble Magazine, New Orleans.

I sat on the McKeldon Mall for hours today letting the sun attach to my skin. I was so enamored by Liz Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" (pictured below) as it spoke directly to my soul, that I didn't even bother lathering the SPF 8 "sunscreen" I packed. I just read. The bell chimed at 1pm, then again at 2, 3 and eventually 4 in the afternoon. I was in book reading heaven. Ironically reading about what one could call heavenly experiences. And to top it all off, when the grass itching sensation pushed me to the limit, I got up, walked over to the reflection fountain, and plopped myself down where my feet could dangle in the water and the sun could kiss me with her warm calming presence.

So now, filled to the brim with Gilbert's inspiring memoirs (and some crispy skin), I have nothing left to do but spill. This passage is long, but spoke to me in so many ways. Perhaps you, too, will discover some piece of this passage whispering truth in your ear. Enjoy...

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed he was my soul mate."
"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go...You can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby--you're just lickin' at an empty can trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."
"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot--a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel so overwhelmed with emotion thinking about Gilbert's (or rather, the guy from Texas who's talking's) "working definition" of what a soul mate really is. I want to cry, laugh, smile, hug, kiss, jump with joy, and sit in a still moment of gratitude and awe. In my life there have been a beautiful handful of people who have helped show me layers of myself I was not yet able to recognize (romantically and platonically). I mean, people who really dug into me, and with me, and through me to help me see myself and my potential. Some of these people still remain close to me, continuing this process. Some have found new soul mates who've steered them away from me. Others have become people I have an annual hour-long phone conversation with, and if we're lucky, a nice lunch date. But regardless of current rapport, all of these people will always be close to my soul because they have helped it glow and illuminate and blossom. For this, I am forever grateful.

Feel free to share your thoughts on this idea below.

With love and freedom <3

For Living in the NOW

2007-05-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

I can lose so much by creating a strict route for myself and hesitating to venture down other's paths. I can also lose so much by completely surrendering to love and blurring the vision of my own direction.

But the beam of balance is not impossible to walk. This I am learning with every inhibition I free, and every step I take through the permission of my intuition and heart. And it's so refreshing.

On a similar but different note, I've been thinking a lot about...well about the layers of my mind I've been working with to wake myself up to my present reality.

Renewal can be like that--like stepping into a an old pair of jeans but seeing a new YOU in the mirror wearing them. You wonder if you can pull them off in a way that's daring, stylish, and brave, but still that same comfortable fit. And then eventually, when you or someone else finally knocks some sense into ya', you realize the answer is yes. Yes-you can pull off feeling different, and feeling good. Yes-you can pull off feeling free, young and vibrant in the same pants you've worn for years (you know, the ones so worn that a hole is forming where your legs rub together). Yes-you can change, without having to change your pants. (Even those pants--the pants with the holes!)

But sometimes, even despite your mind's inspiring realizations, your intuition tells you to take off your pants and throw on a dress (or just go naked!). And that's okay, too.

I'm finally learning that all of the world won't conspire and spin just to guarantee my so-called-wonderful life-plan works out. Even after I've measured things to the T and positioned everything so that there's no way the plan would fail, the most unexpected and flat-out unbelievable fluke could happen--I myself could be the very thorn in my own damn back ruining my own perfect plan. Or better yet, and less dramatically pessimistic and self-loathing--experiences could happen to me, perfectly by chance, that are beautiful and raw and not neatly drawn into my blue prints. Who would have thought?

And so it goes: I hereby announce that I am tossing the plan out the window. (Maybe not 100%. I mean, after all it *is* written on toilet paper and I *am* still holding onto the end of the roll. But damn it!-the foot after foot of fantasies that become expectations that become necessities written in stone in order to feed and please my soul don't have to be what I wipe my ass with every single day. I could just get some BLANK TOILET PAPER!) So like I said--out the window it goes. My mind will be more free of preconceived requirements, and more open to listening to my heart's intuition. To the best of my ability, that is. After all, I don't want to make any plans...

My Newest Friends

2007-05-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

These women authors really know how to dig into my mind and put on paper the thoughts I can't quite express...The truths I haven't quite mastered the art of seeing...

Both of these novels are so thrillingly honest and beautiful all the while. My type-100%. The best of the best summer readings for a young girl trying to grapple with the hard disappointments and realities of life, all the while finding beauty in the process--perhaps through a spiritual connection to divinity, or perhaps through seeing all that's powerful and beautiful and perfect--as is--about who I am in this very moment of self.

Some of my own words to follow soon. The markers and cardstock are tossed across my floor along side the clothing I still have yet to put away from college. Tidiness' time will come. Besides, the wrinkled look is in these days, right? Regardless, soon enough I will muster the courage to share with you my raw thoughts of late. But not before I finish racking my brain of them. It's been a fun and exciting endeavor--to feel like an artist again--wild and free with nothing but my own damn thoughts to limit me...and then finding a way to break the shackles.

Cheers.

Honesty

2007-05-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

I mean, honestly...
For how long
Must we
Pretend
Cover up
Shield
Mask
and
Distract

All in the name
Of looking
Relaxed?

If Feeling Fearful
means
Feeling Bad

Shoot me

I
am
Paralized
in
Chance.

Youth

2007-05-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

In the most appreciative way possible I realized on Mother's Day my humble and exciting position in life. I AM YOUNG--despite the unyeilding momentum inside that's pushing me to grow, grow, grow!--without ever stopping to enjoy my immaturity and youth.

Under Pressure anyone? Yes, the David Bowie song. It's sort of like that: there's something so appealing and catchy about that damn song. It's almost addicting. The pressure, the build up, the anxiety, the thrill, the committment to Bowie. But songs like "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by The Eagles or "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz are so much more soothing, relaxing, and enjoyable in an authentic and wholesome way.

I want to let myself have that Peaceful Easy Feeling. I wonder, though, if I'm copping out by wanting to just RELAX and let myself be without pushing myself to become more than what's natural or authentic to who I am. It seems backwards to try to make myself grow, when so much natural growth is already occuring at this stage in my life.

Perhaps regardless of age, at some point we have to find a way to feel free inside ourselves--that youthful openness to who we are and how we interact with others. And sometimes that consists of letting go for a while.

The question is what needs letting go of?

A Tribute to Beauty

2007-05-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Being with my mom & bubby on mother's day was a true gift. Their warmth and silly spirits reminded me so much of who I come from and owe tremendous thanks.

Thanks, Mikey for picking a great gal! Courtney filled so many empty spaces in my life at UMD. Whichever direction she picks to go in the next few weeks, I know she'll be making the right decision...and I know we'll remain close.

And for all of the secret gardens we venture off to on our bikes, sitting with friends without needing to talk... Let them be our portals into the thrilling unknown future full of promise.

In two days, my fourth semester of college will be over, and a wild summer will be at the foot of my door. My door in College Park because I won't be moving home this summer. I'll be sharing a big bed in a small room with Judy, exploring, venturing, painting, dreaming, and becoming a little bit closer to ourselves and each other. I'm taking a Spanish class to prepare for my study abroad in Buenos Aires, and working at the Community Service Learning office on campus.

Have no fear--updates will be short and plenty.

What beauty is at the foot of your door on this gorgeous pollen-full spring day?

Leading Ourselves to Lead Others (and a tribute to all the incredible mothers out there)

2007-05-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

This semester I took an incredible course on women's leadership taught by two of the most amazing and inspriational women I have ever met. It was an intimate class, with about 20 women, and we sat in a circle for 3 hours a week sharing our dreams, fears, beliefs, goals, and visions. Each week we were responsible for writing a journal on a different topic (sometimes there was no topic and we could reflect on whatever we wanted), and one week in particular, we had to write a journal on 3 interviews we conducted over the course of the semester. The assignment was to interview 3 women in our life about what leadership means to them and the role that it has played in their lives. Below is the piece I came up with. I hope you find something noteworthy to take from my experience. With love, encouragment, and gratitude--Rach

“First we are children to our parents, then parents to our children, then parents to our parents, then children to our children,” (Milton Greenblatt). The cycle of learning and caring for one another is an ongoing process full of opportunity to lead, follow, and most importantly known when it's time empower ourselves or pass the baton. Throughout my interviews with three amazing people, all of different generations and with different relationships to me, a certain theme was born as they talked of leadership: self-awareness and inner happiness leading to empowerment and unity with others. Nuerrdina from Off Campus Housing, Lauren, a freshman from New Jersey, and my beautiful mother, a teacher of 32 years and counting, were the three women I thought would make great subjects for these interviews on leadership. It was amazing to hear their views and how they’ve lived, succeeded, and struggled with leadership's ongoing process.

I walked into Nuerrdina’s Off Campus Housing office at 1:55 p.m. for our 2 p.m. meeting. Luckily, because it was an open workspace, I had the special opportunity of observing her before we even started talking. She was helping a student brainstorm ideas for a difficult paper, but not like any old person asking mediocore questions. No, Nuerrdina was impressive with this! She spoke earnestly to the young woman and said, “It’s not about what your opinion is…it’s about how well you can support it and how deeply you are willing to dig to find answers that are real for you. You can’t just provide fluff that sounds good. You have to understand fully why you believe something in order to make a case for it.” Immediately I knew that Nuerrdina exemplified a special aspect of what I view as leadership—a person’s willingness and commitment to questioning individual beliefs in order to develop a strong sense of self.

Later when I asked Nuerrdina what she thought some defining traits of leadership were, she took the notion of developing a strong sense of self to another level. She said, “[leadership is] the practice of self-refinement through community action. We will always be building a self that we and others can rely on…Remember, that it is not really about you and at the same time, has everything to do with you. "Leadership" is about positive social change or liberation, through community action.” Do you hear the Ghandi tone in Nuerrdina's words?—in order to make change through community action, you must have first made change within yourself. ("Be the change you wish to see in the world").

Well, Neurrdina has definitely taken on the challenge of developing a strong sense of self as the foundation for community action. When we first sat down for our interview and I was reintroducing the purpose, I told Neurrdina that I wanted to get a sense of what another woman thought about leadership based off of her own life experiences. This is where I was quickly put in my place and reminded that even something seemingly obveous is not something we can always assume to be true.

“Well first of all I don’t consider myself a woman. I’m gender queer. I’m not a gender, I DO gender.” While I felt slightly embarrassed at my unawareness, I was so glad that Neurrdina had the guts, comfort and confidence to make sure I understood that part of her identity. (Do I use the word “her”?) See, the lines that our society uses to identify people, needs such serious bending (or dismantling all together). But it’s not going to change without individuals changing it. That’s where it takes true leadership in the form of courage, awareness and a sense of self to stand up in declaration for a worthy cause. Some believe that leadership has to mean one person intentionally leading a group of others. But usually, it is the individuals who have figured out how to lead themselves that become true leaders and role models to us all. As a result, they really understand the way to accomplish community action, because they have that solid understanding of the cause, and motivation from the deepest parts of their heart to push until the cause is accomplished.

While interviewing my friend Lauren, a similar idea of what she viewed as leadership came out. I asked Lauren who in her life displays the most leadership and what traits that person possesses. I was expecting her to say someone at the university who is really involved. But she ended up answering her 8th grade science teacher, Kim. Why? It wasn’t because she was doing a lot to lead others intentionally or taking on particular “leadership roles." It was because of her strong sense of individuality. Since 8th grade, Lauren has developed a close friendship with Kim, and she had this to say about her:

“Kim never feels the need to categorize herself or let others define her or what she should be doing with her life.” Lauren went on, “she has the courage to always stand up for what she thinks is right, regardless of whether or not people will follow her. She’ll be the first to stand up if something’s wrong and would love to have people back her up, but doesn’t need them to.”

Similar to the way I see Neurrdina as a leader, Lauren sees Kim as a leader because she has the awareness to lead herself. So many of us, myself included, are constantly working to strike a balance within ourselves that will lead us where we want to be going, rather than just the direction that mainstream society points us in. Perhaps when we master the balance enough so that we can reach beyond ourselves and lead a GROUP in a direction more powerful than mainstream society…perhaps that is reaching a pivotal point in leadership.

But being a leader isn’t easy. Once you’ve become an example of a leader, you constantly have people looking up to you as such, and that creates a lot of responsibility and pressure. Lauren put it well when she said, “as a leader you’re constantly being judged, and if you mess up, the responsibility falls on you. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself in this position.” And I think that really brings us back to the idea of having a strong sense of self, as well as viewing leadership as a constant work in progress. A person is never complete in their position as a leader. There is always room for improvement and struggles that will come up no matter how much experience a person has. That’s why it’s critical for a leader to be confident in who they are, but also flexible and willing to learn. A leader should not be emotionally torn apart by criticism, but they also should not ignore it’s value. To be a good leader you must constantly be working to stay balanced within yourself and among the group you’re working with.

My mother also talked about finding “inner happiness” as a priority in her life, and an essential component to being a truly extraordinary leader. After being a teacher for over 30 years she said, “in ways you have to be a leader for others…You have to learn how to run and organize things, as well as foster a positive group dynamic among your co-workers.” But when it comes to leading herself, my mom, like so many others, is still working on “enjoying life” despite the task of “getting through the daily grind and just doing what you have to do.”

My mom talked about how before she got married she was such a free spirit and adventurer. And then she slipped into grumbling about the “daily grind”—the responsibility and routine lifestyle that occurs when you take on a full time job and marriage. At this point in our conversation I started to feel very worried about ever experiencing the bore of going through the motions, and instantly decided that I would never get married or have a stable job! Just kidding. But in all seriousness, my mom said that there were two things that made the idea of settling down all worth it: a job that was exciting and energizing, and becoming a mother.

My mom has a lot to say when I asked her to define leadership. She said, “Fostering a positive outcome and guiding people, but allowing consensus and listening to opinions… It’s facilitating, a good leader is a good facilitator. The humanistic part of it is also important and a lot of people fail to consider that. You have to be educated in understanding personality types, strengths and weaknesses, and pulling on the strengths. This means giving a lot of positive reinforcement, acknowledging people’s accomplishments, and making sure that they know that you know how valuable they are. And also guiding and helping those who are less experienced or are having difficulties in something.”

When my mom spit out this definition of leadership, I thought to myself, wow...I’m my mother’s daughter! I really saw myself in her definition, and had this childish smirk on my face that read: My mom's a rockstar. I'm going to be just like her when I grow up! So naturally, I asked her what she thought leadership had to do with being a mother, or being in a family. To which she replied, “Everything. Being a mother was one of the strongest forces in teaching me how to be a leader. All of the things I just mentioned you have to learn how to do in a family… Especially listening to each other and working with people’s strengths.”

Before having this conversation with my mother, I usually envisioned leadership as something that most women only have energy for until they get married, start a family, and get into the “daily grind”. People are always saying, “be a leader now because once you get out of college you won’t have nearly as much energy as you do now.” But after talking with my mother about this, I’m realizing that there are so many women leaders everywhere you turn…especially in homes across the world, fostering beautiful families and still managing to contribute to society in such valuable ways—even if it’s “only” through raising children who will be engaged citizens. That is such a difficult, challenging, and important task that takes tremendous heaps of energy and does not receive nearly enough credit or attention. (Thank you to all the incredible mom's, or people raising children out there!)

I initially wanted to ask my mom how she tought women could be more engaged in society and simultaneously raise a family. But after looking back and hearing my mom speak on these topics, I've realized that my mom is satisfied with the way she's lived her life. She really believes that every day of her working life as a teacher she was contributing to society in such a huge way by educating children, and this has been fulfilling, meaningful, and enough.

In writing this, I’m realizing that I have a slightly different view of what it means to be a leader than I did before these interviews. Perhaps being a leader is really striving to fulfill your own life’s purpose. When I asked each person what their biggest priority is in life right now, they all answered something different. But they also all went on to talk about how they’re trying to make their priority a reality. To me, that’s leadership. Each person has a different purpose and reason for being here. But oftentimes, people go through an entire lifetime without ever really finding, acknowledging or fulfilling their purpose. When you ask the average person who they think the greatest leaders are, you get so many different answers. People are different and have such varying views on things. But nevertheless, a leader is someone who proactively attempts to fulfill their own life’s vision. I never realized what an incredible role model and leader my mother is until realizing that she is fulfilling HER purpose. In the end, we all have a purpose worth finding that is truly unique and individual. Therefore, we all have the capability to be leaders, if for no one else, at least ourselves.

simple authenticities

2007-05-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

i want to write a book of stories that make my life make sense, because for me, finding a way to tie everything together in words, somehow makes my experiences more real, valid, and meaningful. sometimes it takes my recreation of the event for me to believe and actually feel what happened. and i love when i can recreate an experience with a more thorough perspective and beautiful imagery. this, i am truly passionate about.

i want to love slowly and honestly and intimately and shamelessly and fearlessly. but these are big wants. so instead i just want to love naturally, letting the love lead me, not trying to lead the love.

these two wants aren't the image of a daughter tugging at her father's pant leg with a pouting lip begging "pleeeaaaseee" for a toy she doesn't even need. they're a grown woman walking in a pants suit (or hippie skirt), independently investing in a company that she not only believes in, but that she is a part of, and that is also part of her.

these two wants exist because they are a part of me that i love and feel good embracing, not because i think they might make me happy if i can do them. i must do them because they are authentic to who i am. it's in realizing what is authentic about who we are that we can be exposed to our passions. for a while, i kept wondering and searching for so many pieces of my life. i followed the voices of society that urged, "find your passion", "find your religion", "find your voice in writing", "find youself". the funny thing is, that voice didn't tell me that I usually don't have to look far to find these things... because they're mine.

in searching for myself and my passions, i forgot to look at the very obvious priorities and practices that i've been keeping my whole life: a journal and close relationships with loved ones. these things are stitched into the dearest parts of my heart. i'm sure they're accompanied by other things that fill my soul--but i have yet to see those things clearly. for now, i'm glad to rest from my searching, knowing that searching won't help me find myself, only being myself will.

what wants are authentic to who you are?

take a ride with me

2007-04-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

I rode my bike to Lake Artemesia with my wonderful friend Christian Thursday night after changing into warmer clothes that would bear the evening chill. From the lake, stars were more visible than on campus, and one in particular stood apart from the rest. I doubt it was the North Star, but something in it's bright glimmer had me hooked on the idea that I could follow its glow somewhere awe-inspiring and peaceful.

After talking for a while and laughing for an undetermined, lengthy bit, we boarded our bikes once again to feel the cold wind against our bear hands and faces. The street lights' illumination got caught in the moist air and hovered an orange-hue against the receding grey pavement. Our shadows rode their bikes freely as we tried tirelessly to catch up to them like mice running in wheels, except we knew the game we were playing. Eventually, the streetlights disappeared and our stretch of bike-riding bliss came to an end.

Paved before me was an uphill path leading to my warm bed and inspiring walls. As we peddled to the split in the path, I slowed down to say goodbye to Christian and thank him for taking me to the lake. Things didn't happen as smoothly as I had planned..."Ah!" I proclaimed dramatically in a voice that matched my teetering, wobbling fall. My bike must really love me, I thought, as she straddled me from the top position. I lay there, laughing, not wanting to get up--partly because of the embarrassment of falling off my bike, partly because of the piece atop me, and partly because of the view from the ground. From there, the only direction to look was up. And through the hazy sidewalk lights, I managed to see my star.

This was my first bike fall, but I'd like you to know that it wasn't as horrible, bloody, or scraped as I feared it would be. The bruise is loud and clear on my right knee, but something about seeing that star after falling... Something about looking up and knowing that I was not alone, no matter how bruised or low I felt... Something about that moment shined with divinity.

So tonight I'm shining my own light on one of nature's beautiful gifts that gave me peace through my fall. This universe is offering me gifts everyday, every moment. Some instants, when my mind is clear and my heart steady, I'm lucky enough to realize how much I've been given. In those moments, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy...and it is then that I wonder if I need to "thank God"... or if living to keep this world beautiful is enough as long as my heart is heavy with thanks.

They say that to look for God is to find God. I'm afraid to even admit to myself that I've been looking. But in so many walks of life, I feel this nurturing and giving mother who wants to blanket me in warmth. And I believe that maybe I'm starting to see her patches, unfold her quilt, and slowly let her tenderness rest upon me--comforted by the one thing I feel with certainty--I have been blessed to be part of this glorious world, and I am forever thankful for that. Perhaps like so many who wish to say thank you directly...perhaps, I too, will find my path to her someday...

But in the mean time, we've got at least a bit of good news--if God exists, she's definitely a woman! ;-)

Rape

2007-04-16T18:50:00.001-07:00

She was raped tonight.
Pants forced to the floor
Soul shunned and ignored
And the colorful spirit she once wore
Was stabbed at the core
And stripped and ripped evermore

There she lay open
Gory, bloody remains
Hands grasping the bed frame
Fearful and full of pain
Shame…She felt shame

And the next day
There she still lay
Angry and afraid
But too silenced to blame
Too framed to say anything and really be heard

She knew she could have fled
Taken refuge instead
Of giving in to the man
But the man held her heart
He was part of her home
And he had the nerve to rape her
Then leave her wet to the bone
With no where to go
And nothing to show
Except a purple beaded necklace
Some jazz tunes, and grace

Alas, maybe there was a larger plan
As his white hand grabbed her brown breast
Fantasizing over her beaded, colored chest
Laughing at her worthlessness
Screwing her self-respect
Ignoring her protest
Yes, she was Oppressed

Unlike the well dressed woman
Whose man protected her
From the same deadly storm
Of rushing, raging, raining rape

Yes, she struggled to stand tall
Against so many fierce forces
Outside of her humble hands
And eventually, people ran
From all over the world
To bring comfort and renewal
To this soulful, hopeful girl

But when you’ve been raped by the man
That you pledge your allegiance to
And he pledges nothing to you
It makes you wonder why you haven’t left him behind
To find a man who will appreciate even the Lower 9th

Our endearing New Orleans was raped tonight.
Baby, I’m so sorry for the way he treated you.
Is there anything…
Anything at all
That I can do?

Photo courtesy of Sonia Keiner Flynn, my staff advisor during the Alternative Spring Break trip I took to New Orleans, Lower 9th Ward.

With hope and love,
Rachael

where would we be?

2007-03-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

there is a calm before the storm and then unruly gusts of change.
eventually, the storm subsides leaving debris that shift from odd to ordinary.
and the cycle can be so strange and so straining...
but where would we be without the repeating rhythm of restless rain?
without the growing life?

(a quick but big question from me to you, dear reader).

with love.

10 ideas for me and you

2007-02-24T14:28:00.000-08:00

1. eat cake for breakfast (i did this morning)
2. create a face out of objects found on your kitchen table
3. paint your kitchen table a wild color
4. write 10 personal maxims to live by on the wall
5. book a flight to a place you've been dreaming of visiting
6. invite the neighbor over for tea
7. fold a paper into 32 rectangles-write something you want in each rectangle-on the back write the value that each want represents-make a personal mission statement to live by those values-read your mission statement out loud to someone
8. collect interesting trash for 2 weeks-make it into a treasure
9. turn your phone off for 3 days-make a voice mail that says "i've gone to the moon, i'll call you back when i'm feeling grounded again"
10. plant a tulip bulb in a public place near by-let it pleasently surprise you come spring time

add your ideas in the comments section. let them be as wild and imaginative as your heart can handle.

Long time, no blog

2007-02-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

Hey strangers...

Once again, it's been a while! I'm learning that sometimes I just feel too young, vulnerable and uncertain to speak or share any other reality. And honestly, those things can be a hard reality to expose! (or even understand enough to convey...)

I'm definitely at that point in my life when it feels like I'm on the brink of learning everything risky all at once, and it could come down to making some really hard and scary decisions to actually allow personal growth and transendence. It's a tough reality!--the fear of losing the good in order to find the grand. Or being wise enough to realize, accept and embrace all of the grand realities that do exist in my life right now. Or finding the middle ground...

I've learned this much from the past month:

My heart and soul feel so much pain and conflict when I limit myself to live a certain way because that's the way I've gotten used to living. With that said, I've also recently discovered that we can change the way we do things, what we do, or our attitude about doing if we're unsatisfied with the status quo. It is when I stop believing that I have any control over life that I stop believing that life can be okay. It is then that I stop brainstorming creative conduits towards happiness. It is then that I settle and just begin to pick--pick apart anything good that still exists because I've stopped thinking out of the box and started tearing the box apart.

I'm in an amazing women's leadership class... and someone said the other day in class that her mother used to always tell her "you gain the most confidence in life by taking the risks you're afraid to take... even if you only tip-toe in". I thought that was so beautiful, wise, and especially true for what I've been going through lately.

I took a big risk recently that I was so afraid to take. I'm definitely still learning how to follow through with the goals I have for myself in this situation... But I feel so much confidence that I can achieve them, knowing that I've already come far enough to take the first step.

What first steps do you feel inclined to take? What risks have you been waiting to take?

Lately...

2007-01-05T13:00:00.000-08:00

While my posting has lacked lately, my mind and discoveries most definitely have not. I've been feeling very awake and aware, and time to regenerate has finally been on my side after a semester that took the life out of me.

My dearly beloved journal has filled itself to the brim and I would like to leave you with some of it's last thoughts:

Listen to your insides and speak their truth. Listen to the barried voices of your heart that feel suppressed & ignored. Find the simplicity and beauty that accompanies Awareness. Wake Up. Your self is all Inisde.

Ask for the space you need in the Now, not in the future. Now you Know your longing for space, so take it gracefully. Future emotions come with No Gauruntees. The present is all you can be certain of.

Nine months of struggles, stress, vast Introspection, & Endless Efforts have brought me closer to my Self. Gratitude fills my soul, knowing how hard I've worked to find a greater peace of mind--and knowing that I have succeeded. I am continuing to struggle for success & I am glad for that.

Inside of myself Essence and Core are just waiting for me to Uncover them & Shine their soft surface so all can experience their Beauty--including myself. I'm sifting, sorting & unravelling the layers, and I can smile now--a small light of Belief is breaking through.

To each of you a wondeful New Year with just the right amount of introspection to fill your soul with gladness & continue its discovering all the while.

Love,
Rach

A Warm Winter Night

2006-12-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

Sunlight beams through my orange floral shades around 10 a.m. on mornings that I'm lucky, and a precious orange glow like the kind from a jack-o-lantern illuminates my room. Gently, a bright ray falls across my sleeping eyes and resting face. Nature has set the perfect alarm clock. And the most beautiful awakening enters my body and soul. This is one of my favorite morning occurrences. The other exists in moments when Brian's body rests beside mine on a tiny twin bed and I have the pleasure of laying sweet kisses upon his bare, sleeping back.

Some moments are so perfect in between the crammed back packs, hurried legs, and overloaded brains that if I don't stop to acknowledge their gratitude, they get swept away by all of the hustling and bustling. So, I spend my Friday evenings doing something much different than most University of Maryland students: relaxing in my room with a good friend and letting the music, mind, and openness of the night take us wherever it may.

Last night, Lauren and I ventured to a very special place that we have gone once before. This morning, after the sun's most beautiful awakening, I captured a few snap shots to share with you.

There were more words and messages shared, but my camera lost it's life on me! Some of these included, "Laugh hard and often", "Give Hugs", "Give Kisses", "Slow Down. Relax. This too shall pass". In the past we've written phrases including, "What are you waiting for?", "Hug a tree", "Live Your Dreams", and "Sing in the Communal Showers".

May you let the openness of each evening be an opportunity to share with others the grandness of love and adventure.

My Search for Expression

2006-12-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

This semester has been a ride of highs and lows, and amongst the lows, my time has been very crowded with obligatory assignments, papers, and meetings. In my search back to myself and away from all things not fulfilling, the most profound lesson I've been learning is that I must re-create the space I once allowed myself to have for reveling, exploration, expression and spontaneity.

Here is an offspring of my dear journey. I hope that you too may create little reminders of the joys you love and need in your daily adventures.

Love,
Rach

flying

2006-12-01T17:14:00.000-08:00

joy flies in my window
tickling, teasing, daring me to come out and play

she's very intriguing
and i feel like flirting
so i fly across the sky
and splash paint drops of audacity
for all to see
with no fears of falling
despite the obvious fact that
i cannot fly

inside my room
a dream flies in my window
tickling, teasing, daring me to come out and play
and i say, "okay"

2006-11-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

My struggle has been like a warm foggy night
When I hold the expectation for rain to fall and ruin the ends of my pants
But it's only foggy as I frenzy around avoiding puddles
Meanwhile, missing out on the smiling man who hop-skips next to me

Finding My Way Back to Myself

2006-11-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

My worn tennis shoes hit the pavement as fast as they could, with tears flooding my eyes and melodies of old James Taylor songs filling my ears. In mixed droplets of sweat and tears, emotions of nostalgia came teeming down, soaking into my green girls soccer sweatshirt. I had been on a serious autopilot mission, flying a plane that was bound to crash. And then it did. I could not take the unhappiness, insecurity, constant obligation, or restlessness any longer. So I took flight and began to run, literally and figuratively. Finally no more hovering just below the stratosphere in fear of losing my breath. I just let myself soar, let myself suffocate, let myself die so I could come back to life. It was finally time to cry for my neglected spirit, and sweat for my determination to find myself again.

I've found that my most effective ways of coming back to myself have been through action. Exercising has been very helpful in catapulting pro-activity, and following exercise, I tend to feel much more inclined to speak up about how I'm feeling, say what I mean, do what I want to do, and generally experience more clarity. The more I put aside my obligations for a bit, and listen and respond to my most important obligation--my inner spirit's need for spontaneity--the better off I am.

I'm learning what roles I play best in organizations, and taking myself out of the roles that do not energize me. While all work takes some energy out of a person, the passion and enjoyment gained from one's commitments should make up for the energy exerted. And when that reciprocity falls short, the deal is no longer worth it.

For those of you who have felt this draining reality of giving out more energy than you receive compensation for, I hope you find the chance to listen to your inner spirit's needs--whatever they may be--and let yourself respond to them through action rather than thought. From experience I can say that we can all spend a very long time thinking about what we want or need to do to change our lives for the better. And sometimes that time sorting through thought is very important. But maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe we need to just listen for a minute and then GO FOR IT! (Whatever it may be).

I think we might all still possess part of that inner-child who needs to be told time and again a task before actually cooperating. Cooperation in general is hard, and surprisingly, even when we're the ones telling ourselves what to do.

However, I want to leave with a message of confidence. I know that I can listen to myself. Because if I can't listen to mySELF, who can I really listen to? I mean, I'm pretty sure I know myself better than I know anyone else. And so I must start treating myself with the love and care of a good friend. I must start uncovering my needs and listening to them. And I know that I can.

The cliche sayings ring true: "To thy own self be true", "Follow your heart", "Love yourself".

I'm creating the space I need to find my way back to myself. It could be a long process with small steps, but every step I take I praise myself for taking, and every step I want to take I encourage myself to take.

We don't have to be a generation so busy that we become lost from ourselves. I believe we are much more authentic and brave than that. What do you think?

Caught Off Guard

2006-10-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

The chill pleasantly caught me off guard today. Apparently it caught us all off guard as well, as I saw people rushing around in clothes too light for the weather, scurrying from class to class, warm building to warm building. In these moments I found myself walking especially slow, excited and eager to watch how together, we were ALL caught off guard, experiencing the smallest burden in unity.

Suddenly, I'm filled with scurrying memories of the people of my past who helped me to get where I am (literally, figuratively, and beautifully) today. I wanted to walk as fast as I could up to the doors of each of these persons and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK... "Hi there! It's Rachael! Your long lost friend! I still love and think about you all of the time! Tell me your deepest thoughts and feelings." The chill brought an urgency that I could not keep up with no matter the pace I walked.

I've been meaning so much to write Love Letters to all of these people... I even DID! But I have yet to send them as they sit dusting over on my shelf. (WHY???... Have no fear, today's the day!)

My life lately has been like a cold day that catches me off guard, and I'm left with nothing to do but scurry around. Where did the time for reflection, feeling, expression, and heartfelt daydreams go? Maybe today was symbolic. Maybe today encapsulated the lulling moments in which I allow myself to feel expressive and soak in all that's beautiful around me, despite the urge to rush to whatever's next on my busy agenda. I certainly believe that those moments can be found, and perhaps I'm on the right track.

I had a wonderful guest speaker in one of my classes today who shared her wise views of how to live a meaningful life. When it came to "Modeling the Way" (practicing what you preach), she talked about living life in "satisfying proportions." In this day and age, there is so much emphasis on living a balanced life, but the trick is, you have to make the balance work for YOU. I feel like this entire semester that's been my exact struggle. So much to tend to with only so many hours in the day, and the importance of figuring out what proportions will meet my personal needs and satisfy my soul and heart. I tell you, it's been hard, but I've been finding the middle ground. For example, letting myself wander on a off-guard chilly day, and examine the beauties of my mind and world.

Jeeze! Seems like a lot to work on from day to day. But really, why else are we here thrown into this thing called life? We're here to make what we're given work... We must tend and water and nourish our gardens of life until buds turn into blossoms that later we can enjoy with ease and gratitude. Yes, it's a large commitment--the one we have to ourselves--but in my opinion, the commitment most worth keeping.

I've felt extremely lucky lately, despite such a jam-packed schedule, to have amazing and meaningful interactions with some of the most beautiful people out there. I'm learning what it means to be a truly incredible person through so many of my peers, teachers, and mentors. I'm excited for the moment that I find to curl up with warm blankets and my journal in a candle-lit room, and just let myself CRY and RELEASE all of the emotions that have been forming spirals inside of me. Not that they're necessarily bad, but when they build up, the only real way they seem to release is through tears. And I personally like this method!

I must go for the night. Studying calls my name. I love you all so very much. Thank you for the insight and wisdom you share with me everyday. It's true--I soak it in like the most grateful sponge that exists.

Fondly,
Rachael

The Joys of a Fall Afternoon

2006-10-11T12:55:00.000-07:00

Caught between the crevices

Age in circles

Not yet harvested

The remains of Mr. Squirrel's afternoon snack

Relaxing in each other's arms

A family braving to cross the river

A beautiful day...

2006-10-08T12:25:00.000-07:00

Calls for a nice long run while listening to exciting music.

Exciting music like Rilo Kiley whos tunes seem to wake my insides whenever I need a lift. (My favorite is Capturing Moods) Check out their stuff @ http://www.rilokiley.com/

Studying comes later.

What are you waiting for?

(Go for it!)

P.S.

2006-10-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

I saw Little Miss Sunshine the other night with Brian, and a character in the movie, young, still in highschool talked about how he wished he could just sleep until he was 18 and skip over all of the suffering that high school brings. His uncle responded with a reference to Marcel Proust who spoke of suffering as a shaping part of life that makes and contributes to the greatest parts of who you are.

I like the idea of that.

Education--The Ultimate Blessing

2006-10-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

Today I spent 8 hours in a conference room with about 20 other motivated and ambitious "do-gooders" learning and evaluating various skills in relation to leadership, service, the "world view" that each of us carries, team work, and various demensions of these notions. For some reason I walked away from the day feeling like so many thoughts had piled up throughout the day that I just wanted to talk, talk, talk about for hours! I'm learning more every day how important it is to me to have time for reflection on my feelings and thoughts after certain experiences. (Hence one of the very reasons for this blog!) But more than this blog--I really love, value, and need that opportunity to reflect in conversation. I'm an extrovert who likes to talk it out!

Jumping around--Lately I've been under a lot of pressure and stress. I'm in the midst of an insane semester with tons of deadlines, lofty assignments and a packed schedule that ends up feeling like a crowded room of people trying to accomplish a goal, but too many different ideas bouncing around to get down to action. Also, with so many long-distance relationships/friendships in my life, I find it so hard for me to be settled into any one place...I feel like I'm constantly trying to build a full-time community where I am, but only offering a part-time commitment to doing so--it's a difficult situation because I want to be in two (or three or four) places at once. And then there's that personal "me time" thing that often gets completely neglected due to all of these other time-consuming factors.

Okay, crappy situation. What to do? It obveously could be a hell of a lot worse... but regardless, these are challenges I have to face and deal with. I am not a victim to the constraints and limitations I put on myself. My classes, schedule, clubs, boyfriend, and friends are all acts that I choose to engage myself in. So if these are my choices, I must find ways to make them work...or choose other things.

My whole life, THIS is how I deal with things. I sit, reflect, evaluate, brainstorm, problem solve, and act. Sounds great! Right?

Today I realized that I've really been missing something big. I've been missing all of the wisdom and lessons learned and advice that others--influential, amazing, intelligent people--have to offer. Well of course, I can't necessarily MEET and TALK to all of these people who have experienced all of these THINGS like I would like to. Ah, but I CAN read autobiographies about their lives. Or TRY to meet them. Or seek out unexpected people, older and more experienced who have a world of lessons they've learned in their past, and just ask questions. These are all ways of EDUCATING and INFORMING and RESEARCHING that eventually TEACH me things I knew not before. (I think the easiest or most obveous concepts are sometimes the hardest ones for me to learn... for instance, learning from sources other than myself...duh!). I'm definitely a learn-through-experience type person, but there aren't enough days in a lifetime to learn all of the lessons that the world has to offer. So why not hear it from someone else? Take someone elses experiences to heart? See through someone else's eyes, walk in their shoes, learn their lessons--or at least try to.

I'm finally understanding what Education could potentially mean for me. I don't want to just learn about events, or theories, or places, or science, or math, or even beliefs. I want to learn about how those things have AFFECTED people. How someone's life has been altered, or what conclusions they drew from their experiences and trials. I want to see the full circle. How they got to where they were. If they were scared or challenged or heartbroken or oppressed or depressed or high off of life or drugs or constantly excited or motivated by some underlying concept. And what happened when you got there. And what happened afterwards. I want the full story. I want to understand what it means or how a person actually surpasses society's constraits without becomming a recluse. It happens... I want to understand it because I want to do it. And I can go on sitting, reflecting, evaluating, brainstorming, problem solving, and then acting... and take a very long time to deal with every day. Or I can try to really educate myself in a way that will benefit who I am and who I want to be.

So folks, I'm going to take the time I need for myself. Reading books. Asking lots of people lots of questions. Challenging my limits. Facing and pushing aside my fears to take chances on the things I love & feel passionately about. Really searching for what I'm passionate about. Taking risks. Stepping up to the plate. Living a full life because I want the FULL story--ups and downs, ins and outs, highs and lows. Not just wondering how something makes me feel or what my opinion on something might be if I did "this or that"...but putting myself in the situation to actually FIND OUT and DISCOVER what my answers really are through action.

Personal Goal for the time being: To develop a fuller, more alive means of education.

I'm Searching

2006-09-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

Rigorously.

Somewhat Relentlessly.

(It's 1:35am and I have a paper to write but instead I've been reading a book Brian lent me entitled "non-Christian religions from A-Z". This is my priority right now. It has to be or it won't get done.)

So I'm exploring all of the options. My devout roommate's opinions, my agnostic Philosophy professor, both new and old friends, history, the Unitarian church in D.C., what different religions view as God...and I'm just letting myself take it all in.

And I won't know what I believe for a while (or possibly EVER).

But even this much is more affirming than never searching.

And I'm glad I'm taking the risk, digging and delving into something that I never let myself explore in this way before. I'm proud of myself for actually reading the book, and listening to more than one person, and not letting myself automatically say, "yeah! that sounds great! me too!", but taking the time to think and question and ponder and feel my way through it all.

And perhaps I'll keep this blog updated with my different findings. We'll see. One never knows with me and my lack of consistent blogging. haha.

Love yall.

What lies within the void?

2006-09-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel as though I lack the space or community or means by which I will find the things I'm looking for within myself, my beliefs, and my journey in this world. Sometimes I'm not really sure what I'm even looking for to begin with... but I know something's missing and I can't place a name or label on it. I'm left with this itching void and the question of what's causing the void and what could possibly fill it up.

Lately, I've been interested in some kind of greater spiritual journey--a sense of understanding "what life's all about". Asking the big questions and finding some sort of fulfilling answer. Not necessarily an end-all be-all answer, because I don't really believe that there's a such thing... but an answer that works for me. I find my indecision getting in the way of claiming any set of beliefs to be my own without offering the contrary opinion or claiming that I could very well be mistaken.

Although, a lot of me feels like at this point in my life that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not supposed to have things figured out. I'm supposed to question, struggle, contradict, and question some more. The real difficulty--or what I find an extra struggle in this process--is feeling like SOME things ARE figured out...or more figured out than others... and the consistency of the "figured out" aspects takes away from my ability to focus on the less-understood demensions of my life. It's as though I need my whole life to be completely desheveled to feel like I can actually figure ANYthing out.

But in mentioning this it really makes me think that's not the case at all. Rather, I should have some kind of discipline to follow through on my questioning as well as a discipline to seperate the struggles I'm having in my life from the aspects that bring me joy.

Has anyone else experienced similar feelings/thoughts? Anyone come out on top? Have any advice?

I'm glad to be seeking out a greater sense of community and "social capital" as Robert Putnam would call it. Perhaps that will help fill the void. Or at least help me understand it.

Nevertheless, this life is beautiful for the opportunity to think and feel and connect to other people. Today is a gorgeous day. I'm about to take a run with a new friend which I'm sure will be refreshing. I hope you find some kind of joy in the day.

Love,
Rachael

"we're better off for all that we let in"

2006-09-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

I never really know myself until I see who I am.

Today I was overwhelmed with an unbarable anxiety upon receiving certain news. It was then, walking home on a cool late summer afternoon, that I realized who I think I am and who I actually am often run in contradiction. I believe myself to be very open-minded, accepting and embracing of diversity, a willing communicator, and an optimist at all costs. But when I froze up today it made me realize how untrue my self-evaluation can be when my limits and comfort zone are really challenged. Do I rise to the test and eliminate barriers and pre-conceived notions? Or do I hold these unwanted feelings deep inside to eat away at my comfortability? The truth for me is somewhere in between depending on situation, circumstance, and honestly--my mood.

I realize that in knowing this, who I think I am is really a projection of who I want to become. But only in identifying where I actually stand now, can I ever become the greatest person that I know waits somewhere inside of me.

With this, I'm really glad that I'm in the place to challenge myself to grow and eliminate whatever factors feed my anxiety in certain situations. The opportunity is here to take my inhibitions and break free.

It is in seeing who I am not that I begin to understand who I really am. And only then do I create the room to become who I really want to be.

hi there

2006-08-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

Stars are shining through blurry lights that cloud my sight
But tonight it seems to me that these eyes won't do justice for all there is to see

I'm looking through the blinding light at the starry souls who sit beside me
And I don't need to wonder where they'll end up, after all
Because the sky is like the perfect measuring stick--too tall for it to matter

There's so much that matters from this grass to that cloud that I couldn't say it loud enough for even my own ears to really hear
And when the sun finally sleeps I'm just glad that I'm here--somewhere between the grazes and gazes into the deepest stars
So far from what society's somehow losing
So far from what I hate to lose sight of

Friends are shining through blurry lights tonight
Tomorrow they'll still be here--
Wherever they are.

over the bump

2006-07-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

alright, so enough moaning and groaning for the time being. i've only got a few things to say basically because it's 4a.m. and i'm just getting home from a shift at the perk.

although a few things is never as short as i intend for it to be when the whole thing starts clicking away. . .

first of all, i'm so thankful for my mother and father and brother and family. my dad bought this new machine that transcribes VHS and 8mm tapes onto DVD because he wants to start a side business "saving family memories" (which i think is a great idea)... so anyway, he's doing all of our family's first before he moves on to the big times... meaning that i've been watching a ton of old home videos i've never seen before from when i was about 1 and a half years old. my parents were such good fricking parents! not to mention i had the BEST older brother ever... michael was always teaching me how to do things... saying "good job, rachey. i love you, rachey. look what rachey just did!" it was so cute. HE was so cute. i just love my family and i feel so grateful for all of the wonderful and diverse gifts i've been receiving from them my entire life. (meaning that something's can be gifts even if we hate them when we receive them...metaphorically speaking) it's so beautiful and special.

also... lately i've been so glad to ask people questions, listen to their answer, but then really question their answer for myself. when i write that it seems to me like such an obvious turn of events and way of going about interacting with others. but in actuality, this method is very different from the one i've become accustomed to which includes: asking people questions, listening to their answer, and if it's at all in the realm of things i could believe, assuming that what they've said is also what i believe.... i've learned that this is not a good way to take in what people say to me, because then i allow myself to get lost in some vague dream of what others believe as my own set of righteous standards... but even worse, in the case that i'm not really thinking through what someone says, i usually don't hold myself accountable to what they've said... but rather, the people i'm close to and love are the ones that must live up to someone else’s standards that i merely relay over.

after realizing this turn of events that i allow my mind to go through, and witnessing the damage i cause when doing so, i decided i really had to stop letting other's opinions that i've heard, dictate what i expect of others.
SO---(the point, ladies and gentlemen)--i've really, REALLY been practicing a new kind of art. . . THINKING! i realize i may be acting condescending towards myself right now, but the reality is that for a long time, when talking to someone with whom i share a similar mind-set, i hadn't usually thought through what they had said to me, really examining and questioning it for myself to see how far or near my own view of the topic was from theirs. however, this is something i've been working very consciously at to improve... and it's been something i've been able to find a deep (and fairly quick) satisfaction in doing.

it's also really great working at college perk at this point, because people are ALWAYS spitting out some opinion of theirs that i could potentially believe, yet i'm really not sure if i do... and so i'm provided with ideas and beliefs to think about all the time. and i'm deeply thankful for that as well.

i don't know if i can really express how lucky i am to be in a relationship with brian. not only does the sound of his voice never fail to make me smile, but the courage and commitment that he displays provides me with all kinds of motivation and encouragement to become a better person every single day. i love that there are so many things i admire about brian all the while i know there are things he admires equally about me. it's just good. period.

another thing: kathleen told me some things about the way i can treat people that i needed to hear and that was really helpful. thanks, kat. i love you.
another thing: jodi's got a show coming up this thursday at the daily grind and i'm sure it'll be especially awesome... but even greater if you came, too.

that's all for now. i may mow the lawn tomorrow with the hopes of getting a bit of a tan.

oh, one more thing: i started reading "socrates cafe" by christopher phillips, recommended by the lovely judy (thanks!) and it's just the perfect book for me to be reading right now. it really emphasizes the importance of asking yourself questions to gain a deeper understanding of who you are and what you believe.

i think i feel really good to know that there's a whole lot i don't know about myself yet. i feel strangely comfortable in my naiveté that lay at the bottom of nowhere. because i feel as though there's no where to get really, except closer to myself... and i don't know if i have to rush to do that because i'll be doing it my whole life. and not rushing myself takes the pressure off, which actually relieves me and allows me to be more understanding and patient with myself. i view this as a very good thing.

okay, and now i really will go to sleep.

thanks for reading this. this is the space i take to extrovert to myself for as long as i'd like before others get to say anything back.

when i was a kid i used to talk to myself in the bathroom mirror.
all the time.

hold on, i think i have change

2006-07-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

fear boils in my face as red as the blood in my veins
as i come face to face with the pivotal pick
that's awaited my choosing since
i've had the choice to run my life
and suddenly my mind is running from
making the choice
of change or change

and i know i'll change
either way
so why not stay
and fight for the fall
that's been calling my name
all my life

why not stay
in two places at once
and forge fear into
friendly findings inside of myself
romantic runaways with my hearts companion
why not stay and take a chance
on all of the changing
that challenges the child in me
to grow

the brooding fears
can't run through my blood
like the smallest spirits run
from the thought of love
hoping only to get away
without experiencing pain

i'd like to wear red someday
that shows stenght not severs
i'd like to really wear it

a backup on 1-95 towards college park

2006-07-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

During the most dramatic yet creeping-almost-like-a-traffic-jam transitions, moments can seem quite gracefully planned--from the most agonizing lonely afternoon with no friend to enjoy the beautiful falling of leaves upon rusted grasses, to the instant blow to the ego when realizing everything i thought i knew must be redefined, evaluated once more, because what i know now is not enough to make me feel on top of the world like i used when days were fed to me on a golden spoon by the comfort of the familiar. And the image is something like a thick portion of half & half seeping into my iced coffee that sits black and smug in it's strong and comfortable position within a clear pint glass, now altered and infected by some unknown substance forging into its realm via someone elses hand--not its own--and for a while i just sit there in disbelief and watch the two liquids as they do anything but mix, assertively (and stupidly) staring one another in the eye just hoping the other breaks down first and surrenders to a life of it's quality and shade. But thus, neither can ever achieve their wish, for soon in an unavoidable fashion, the two colors are mixed into one and it becomes clear that the broader recognition must be made, not about the coffee of course, but about the traffic-jam-transition: the places and people have not only changed me, but i too have changed people and places, and here we are... we're right here.

running romance

2006-07-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

over and over again
it's over again
when the bell chimes
i ask myself
does his eager heart restrain mine
every time
there isn't enough time in this place
with so little space that's filled with such a
thick love?

racing for fresh air and open
windows of time
no freedom is won
in the wearing rush
to each other
when solitude sits
like a distant sunset
always escaping behind
the grandest world
of life and love

over and over again
the day disappears
the hour glass gets turned
and i'm the sand in between
just hoping for a side
i can sit on for a while
but i'm falling between
fairytales and freedom
learning that they're not
a package deal

ahh... inspiration tastes good.

2006-06-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

(A Post Worth Reading from My Travel Blog -- biloxidrive.blogspot.com)
For those of you who don't know, two of my great friends and I went down south to New Orleans to help with relief work for about a week. This was some of my reaction and reflection of the time spent working in such a devestated environment.)

A large exhale leaves my body as I watch cars speed past us on I-95. Judy’s driving, Jodi’s in the back filling in some Sudoku, and I’m in the passenger seat finally finding some (or a lot—our 22-hour drive home) of time to record my thoughts. The car’s an interesting place for Jo, Jude and I… The “three dynamic” or “three’s a crowd” saying can in ways feel apparent with a physical separation between the two front-seaters and the lone back-seat-sitter. (Thank God for Sudoku). In all seriousness though, the three of us have done a remarkable job talking through any awkward or uncomfortable feelings that may come along with the difficulty of traveling in three. And we’ve become closer because of it. I’m so proud of us!

One huge thing I've learned from this trip is that there's so much power within me to do great things as often as I create the opportunities. That type of drive and excitement to act positively and purposefully is something I really want to encourage in as many people as possible—hopefully for some of you, reading this blog will motivate such actions.

One of the most touching and emotionally challenging moments I experienced while in New Orleans took place while tallying the people in line for dinner as either residents or volunteers. The line moved somewhat slow, so when a person answered that they were a resident I took the initiative to talk a little more and offer some friendly words. I asked a lot of them if they lost their homes, and every single person I asked answered yes.

“Volunteer or resident?” I asked.
“Resident my whole life, volunteer the past 7 months” an older man with a crooked blue hat responded. “So you can count me for both.”
Unsettled by the tired and anguished look on his wrinkled face, I asked gently, “Did you lose your home?”
“More than my home is gone. I’m 72 years old and for the first time in my life I feel completely lost. I’ve lived here my whole life and now I’ve got no job, no home, and no family. I really don’t know what to do with my self. I’ve never felt this lost before.”
Now I had an almost regretful feeling that I had dug myself into a hole of stupid and helpless questioning that was unable to answer his deep despair. But I knew I couldn’t let him walk off to fill his stomach with such sour words as the last thing to fall off his tongue. I thought it was important to emphasize to this man who seemed to be at the end of his rope how vital it was for him to not give up hope. So I simply said, “Well, you’ve got to believe that at some point things will start looking up and getting better.”
To which he responded sort of sarcastically, “I’m glad you can have hope.”
Once he said the word hope, it hit me that it takes a lot more than hope for things to get better. “Look at yourself,” I said. “It’s not just about having hope… you’ve been volunteering for 7 months to MAKE it better, and that’s what we as people who have strength and courage do when something’s bad and needs to get better—we make it better—you’re making it better every day… So it’s not just about hope.”
“You’re right,” he said, and moved forward to fill his empty plate with food, his step still slow after another long days work, but perhaps a lighter look in his eyes.

It felt amazing to be able to offer a little bit of hope and a shifted view to this man. This interaction really made me feel even more so that my personal presence at the Made with Love Cafe really did make a difference if not for all the people we fed, then at least for this one man who I had the chance to offer a change of heart through encouragement and a refreshed view of what he was doing.

This man was one of many I came in contact with who had not only lost hope, a home, a job, and family… but also a sense of purpose and stability in life. It felt good to be able to say something that potentially altered his outlook to an extent, but seeing such aimlessness in so many people who were clearly used to the regularity of their prior lives was so hard, especially because most of the residents in line were at least 75 years old. Serving wrinkled faces and bruised hearts—the elder people of New Orleans who were lucky if they had their life-companion in line with them—made me so heartbroken and sad. My stomach dropped to the floor every time an elder person (or any person, really…but especially the elder) tried to carry four to-go containers down the line with shakes in their arms and frustration across their face. It made me want to be as friendly and helpful as possible to do whatever I could to make it a little easier on these people. Seeing their struggle was so real and so deep and has had such a lasting effect on me. The pain is so unforgettable especially because it's clear that most of these people are at a point in their lives when a peaceful wind-down is due, yet the opposite seems to be taking place with a loss of everything regular and comforting, and a struggle and worry about their survival. I can imagine it’s hard enough to be at the age where many of the people you’ve known your whole life are passing away, plus some of your own physical and mental acuteness is starting to fail. I can’t even imagine being at that point in my life and then adding an additional struggle for survival and 3 meals a day. It just doesn’t seem like a fair or logical turn of events.

I’m not quite sure what there is to learn from such a devastating reality—what kind of “wise maxim” comes out of seeing such pain. I suppose we can learn that we must appreciate and be thankful for every bit of peacefulness, freedom, joy and opportunity that we have. But what is there to salvage of not just these people’s homes, but their hearts and dignities and faith that life can be a rewarding journey even in the face of the most devastating disaster? Are people who are near the end of their lives really capable to be open to this type of growth? I’m sure the answer is relative to individual people, however, many psychological studies have shown that has people grow older they become less capable to deal with high-stress situations. Facing up to that reality is so painful because it leads me to imagine the type of turmoil and stress that so many people, people who have become less capable of dealing with high-stress situations, are going through… The confusion and despair and sense of being lost… it just makes my heart sink and my eyes fill, leaving me with no greater desire than to hug these people and just be there to listen and try to offer whatever they may need. (If you have any input or ideas about this, please feel free to leave a message or email me at rachmddx@gmail.com)

I think it scares me that other people, the people who have been affected by the hurricane, may give up hope… because if I were in their situation, at least at this point in my life, the last thing I’d want to do would be give up or lose hope. It’s hard for me to be okay with the fact that some people DO give up hope because it makes me feel vulnerable that I’d follow in that trend, and that’s just not something I’d ever want to do. It’s threatening to be around the possibility of something out of our hands happening and just letting that be it, but that’s why I came down to do relief work—to encourage and help people believe that things are getting better every day…To be a part of what’s actually making things better, just like my 72 year old friend, resident and volunteer.

With the trip coming to a teetering end, the faces and struggles of the people I served will stick with me and stick out in my memory the most.

You may find these words somewhat touching or saddening or inspiring or excessive (I know this post is really long!) but an experience can only be felt or shared to a limiting extent when it’s done so vicariously. I urge you to experience it for yourself. When you help rebuild the neighborhoods and areas that were hit by hurricane Katrina, you help rebuild people’s lives.

Here are the names & websites of some trustworthy organizations that are always willing to take volunteers:
emergency communities - http://www.emergencycommunities.org/
habitat for humanity new orleans - http://www.habitat-nola.org/
common ground collective - http://www.commongroundrelief.org/
hands on network - http://www.handsonnetwork.org/hurricane-relief/

With Peace, Love and Encouragement,
Rachael

my adorable boyfriend

2006-05-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Brian's going to Greece for 3 weeks and will be getting home the day after I get home from my trip South. I'm going to miss him! He's basically one of my favorite partners in saving the world :)

In a pool of time, I see space for reflection

2006-05-17T00:44:00.000-07:00

The year is coming to an end and I'm feeling ready to reflect on a whole lot. I've been anxious, actually, to sit down and gather some of my thoughts...but haven't picked the time or place to do it. So here I am, 3:42 a.m. on a Wednesday morning with no final until Thursday, ready and taking the time.

In what ways have I changed, grown, become more myself in this past year? How have those changes made me feel? What has been the hardest thing for me to do? What am I struggling with now? How do I want to approach the challenges that lay ahead? What am I excited for?

Wow. I actually sat here and tried to answer these questions in a non-complex way... until I realized that I've had way too many experiences and influences to name on any amount of internet space. So I feel it necessary to add a disclaimer that I in no way am serving justice to the amount and magnitude of life that has taken place in a year.

I've left a lot behind in the past year. I've let go of parts of my past and parts of myself that needed letting go of. I've challenged myself to pick up the slack inside of myself in areas where I didn't even know I was slacking. I've realized that I can have confidence in the amazing person that I am, and that I can call myself amazing--and that self-assurance is a trait that I've always believed I had inside, but was never able to fully understand or actually practice until I recognized how much I depended on others affirming my awesomeness. In this way, I have really changed and grown into a more self-loving person through my self-actualizations and it feels really great. I love that I am able now to say to myself with confidence that I am a wonderful person in so many ways and not need to hear it from someone else to actually have it hit. At the same time, this self-actualization has not led to an omnipotent or flawless image of myself; rather, it has allowed me even more to take my flaws at face value as room for more growth and improvement. And that's really encouraging and affirming because it makes me feel like I can accomplish anything inside of myself that I see as important because I allow myself to recognize those "flaws" as okay and human.

To contrast this thought, I definitely still struggle with being okay with not knowing what's going to come of the rest of my life/my future. I'm 19 years old and it's so hard for me to rid my desire to know the way everything's going to turn out. Well maybe not the end all be all everything, but more like the next 5-10 years (with Brian, with grad school, with my coffeehouse, with where I'll live, etc.) This is a silly way to allow my mind to run, I realize... and I'd really like to find some sort of spiritual circling that brings my thoughts to a more unified and faithful element--not faithful to the point that thoughts and actions would become second to some unwarrented belief, but faithful in the sense that I can believe in myself and in the nature of life that things will happen as they should and that right now I can only actually act on right now... while what I do now undoubtably affects later, the future will come when the present passes... and i cannot speed up time!--nor do I want to. I just try to, oftentimes. Basically, I want to be okay with what I cannot control...and I don't want to try to control or predict what will happen in every instance of my life, which I tend to do. I'd feel really encouraged to talk to someone in the realm of religion and just talk about these things. I would love and really benefit from that, I think. Plus, it would be interesting to hear a different perspective on faith and religion and what that can bring to a person's life.

This year, I've been told more than ever that I'm really "artistic", "deep", "passionate", "different".... I suppose these have always been things I knew were true about myself, but for some reason when I heard people describe me this way, it seemed so odd that I was viewed as that kind of person to others. I think a lot of my surprised reaction was because in high school I ended up weeding out the people who I didn't feel I was that compatible with and surrounded myself with people very similar to myself. So of course, my friends who were also "artistic", "deep" and "passionate" didn't think I was "different" as much as people here seem to voice. I feel okay with this view I've been told, but at the same time, I'm really excited to find more people here who don't stop with those discriptions. I mean, I'm not looking for friends just like me, in fact, I'd love to surround myself with people who are different--I just want people who appreciate the differences in others and are open and willing to embrace that exposure. That would be awesome. Think how much we'd learn about each other and humanity!

It's been really hard for me to transition back and forth from school life to home life. My life at home is so defined it seems in terms of family and friends, in some ways that are wonderful and encouraging, and some that are frusterating and hard to surpass/work with... and when I'm at school I really try to mold my life into what I want it to be, with no expectations for others or from others, and I find that to be really relaxing and powerful. Even the great things at home can sometimes feel static or already molded into something that takes a long process for me to work out and find flexibility in again... I guess that's the big thing-- I like to live my life with flexibility, and at school there's tons of it... the whole experience of college feels so transitory to me (probably because I transferred...and because it is!)... and that's hard but freeing simultaneously. And home just feels so different... so permanent. And compared to the way I've been living, it practically is permanent. So I really want to think about ways to approach going home differently...because I'M NOT PERMANENT! For instance, when I'm feeling frusterated with a lack of encouragment, I want to step back and view that source as people who love me and are only trying to help, rather than people that discourage me or make me feel like crap. I have to have enough belief in myself that their encouragement or lack of it will not affect my goals or confidence that I can accomplish whatever the task may be. Also, I want to be able to jump back in to the way of things with my friends, but I also want to be understanding with myself and open with them that it's hard for me to just jump back in when it's been so long that I've practiced being without them.

Brian has changed my life. Being in love with Brian has changed my life even more. I believe in so many powerful things that I really did not believe in before. I believe so much more in the individual's capability to change and grow for something they really are willing to work for...because that's what love has done for me. I feel like being in love is not something that benefits my life purly for the being in love part--but for the fact that if embraced fully, it can model the way that everything in life should be approached: with willingness, flexibility, consistency, understanding, standards, hard work, compromise, faith, trust, fidelity, logic, heart, and lots and lots of practice. (plus many more things)... but I feel like implementing these actions into my every-day relationship with Brian has encouraged me to implement these actions in other aspects of my life, like friends, school work, my plans for the future and how to work towards them, etc... some actions are more applicable, but espcially practice, consistency, willingness and hard work. Love is a beautiful thing for better teaching me how to grow.

Well I'm not quite sure if I adressed all of my questions, but this was good to reflect some. Expect more in the near future... It always pours out around this time...

Goodnight, lovely people.

2006-05-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

How do I find a way to share what cannot be seen
or felt
or heard
What is like air on a still afternoon in spring
There, full of grandeur and giving
Opportunity to live
whether or not you give
Without you, it still exists
But you cannot see or feel or hear it's bliss

Soon the stillness notices it's lonliness
like a child swinging so high, so alone
And after so long holding on, holding it in
it all rushes down
to the ground the child falls, the rain pounding
felt, heard, seen
making a mark that all must manage

Not so alone now rushing across the ground
but even the children who want to play
have parents who say, "Not today"
So they watch from inside thier windows
as the rain cries out a long forsaken breath

The sun comes forth, and the sidewalk dries,
and the air is still, and the skies are sad but withholding their tears now,
and the people walk on, through the streets, off to work
Inside. Not looking inside much.

Alone outside with the sky
I'd love to cry.
How do I find a way to share what others cannot see
On a spring afternoon, stillness surrounds me
I feel it's presense, I accept it's request
Being the motion of the day
Running passionate strides unto it all
Until life suffocates
The breath in me
And I cannot breathe it all in
Alone.

These things that bring me JOY

2006-04-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

This time of my life is so multifaceted in the most incredible ways that sometimes I really don't know how to capture it all and look at it for what it is, just sitting in peace and happiness with the direction that my journey has taken me. However, I love the days when somehow my mind takes the shape of a bucket that can dip into this fast moving river and hold still some substance of life for a short while drinking it up and actually quenching some thirst for understanding.

It's a gloomy day in College Park, but walking around I find myself smiling at strangers just trying to brighten up the day. It's funny how contageous I can be to myself, catching on to this self-motivated call for happiness and spreading it like a forest fire inside. I think today this drive started with seeing all kinds of trash spread over the mall due to yesterday's beautiful beach-like atmosphere that invited people to lay out in the sun. The trash everywhere really made the mall look so much less appealing and beautiful, so I decided to pick it up -- all of it. And I did. I walked around the mall and picked up every piece of paper and empty water bottle that someone left out to rot. This process became very contageous and once I was done cleaning up the mall, everywhere I walked from there on throughout the day, I picked up any trash I saw and threw it away. I think the result of seeing something I didn't like and then doing something to change it ended up leaving me with a really happy feeling inside, hence the unyeilding smiles. This experience seemed to teach me something important--that with action to change the things in which you're not satisfied with ultimately results in a much more satisfied state of mind. Although I couldn't pick up every piece of trash that covered the entire university, I could do SOMEthing. And I did. And it felt really good.

I feel so blessed to be at Maryland. There was a tour of prospective students walking around the campus today and I just wanted to go up to them and say, "This is a place where so many people have something truly individual inside of them that they want to release, and the beautiful atmosphere of this school really allows for that to happen... Because it's not just a desire that people have... it's an action that people take -- being themselves." Maybe life is like that wherever you go and I'm finally catching on to the trend being that I see the trend developing more inside of myself.... I'd love to think this is true. Only through travelling and actually experiencing other places will I find somewhat of an accurate answer, though. So that must be what I do!

Looking back at all kinds of meaningful relationships I've developed in my life, I feel so greatful to have kept up with so many of the people who I really value, appreciate, respect, admire, and learn from. I suppose it can be easy to get lost in a world where I feel like meaningful and deep connections are so hard to come by or easy to lose... But reflecting on how many people I can call wonderful friends who I feel so lucky to call my friends, really says something about how the desire to keep up with these irreplacable friendships outweighs the difficulty of it, espcially with so many people so far from where I am.

Being in a relationship is HARD WORK! But I'm learning that anything I wish to do in life and do well, I must commit myself to the idea and action of Working Hard to accomplish my goals. I love that through this relationship I am in, I have to stretch and bend and examine the things that I'm not good at, and strive to be better for the sake of the relationship working out (and of course for the pure sake of becomming a better person). I love that I have to struggle inside of myself to give up the child that always wants to get her way and embrace the adult who understands the power of compromise. I love that Brian is so willing to work with me and do these things as well...and I love that the term "working relationship" really falls into play and applies to my life! I love that I'm learning and recognizing flaws inside of myself that I never before knew existed or I never before knew how to see... and that I'm challenging myself to see them and take steps towards improving them. Drawing a parallel to the earlier part of my day picking up trash, it seems that once I acknowleged that the trash was outside on the mall, visible for all to see (that my flaws are alive and real), it led me to really want to pick the trash up and make the mall satisfy it's true potential of beauty (really wanting to sort through and clean out the flaws inside of myself in order to reach my fullest potential as a human--to be a great person), and once i took action, although there was still trash left to pick up, I felt so good for what action I did take to make a difference (and once I work towards improving myself, although I will never be complete or without flaws, I can feel proud and accomplished and good to know that I did something hard for the better big picture).

I love Community Roots, and I feel so glad to have discovered such a willing and head-strong organization that is innovative in the concept of creating a community willing to look deep inside and tackle some of the personal issues that prevent social justice from being served. I feel instantly connected to this groupd of people--and for that opportunity to feel connected and comfortable with so many people without really knowing everything about them--for that I am so thankful.

The opportunity I've been given to create my own major and really channel my energy and sponge for learning is such an incredible outlet and conduit to "be the change I wish to see in the world". The subject of third spaces/third environments (a place away from home, school, or work where people go to find both social and intellectual interaction in an open and liberating forum... i.e. coffeehouses, cafes, bookstores, the local corner store.. etc.) is so important to me and seems like a concentration through which I can really empower myself, and gain an education that will help me to make a great difference in this society. I feel so greatful to also have an extremely intelligent and gifted woman as my mentor who will guide me along the way, along with many of her colleagues who are in complete support of my pursuit and endeavors. I feel so encouraged and motivated and driven to discover truths that can lead to a more successful attempt at opening a place where the grandest and most enlightening experiences can occure!

All of these mind boggling opportunites are at my feet and I feel so THANKFUL that I see them with gratitude and excitement, wanting to really take advantage of every last chance.

It's totally up to me what I make of my life and my time here on this planet. It is up to me to make something of everything that is thrown my way. And I'm really trying to with all of my heart. Some days it's hard as hell to be motivated or inspired, and other days I fill with excitement and drive and energy... But everyday I am thankful to myself and to my parents and to my friends and to my boyfriend and to whatever greater power is out there, be it God or nature, that I am here wanting to DO GOOD. I am thankful for who I am and all of the things that lead me to myself and my place in the world. I am so thankful.

So I sing you a song of love and encouragement and strength to keep pushing and struggling and searching for questions and answers and more and more and more questions. I sing you a song of everlasting curiosity. Good day, my loves.

Rachael

Jump In!

2006-04-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

This is not a time in my life to feel discouraged or overwhelmed with all of the visions and challenges I see for the future. This is a time to practice embracing the art of ACTIVISM. This doesn't just mean protesting or rallying for causes I believe in; this means Participating in the Actions that make dreams into realities. And for me this espcially means:

-making conversation with strangers
-keeping an open mind
-asking questions about everything
-taking the time and effort to discover more about injustices in the world and what I can do on a small scale to contribute to the greater cause
-doing hands-on community service
-building a diverse, interactive community of freedom, expression and activity
-joining forces with others on similar voyages and making a change by making it an open trend to partake in meaningful and beneficial experiences
-encourage others to rise from apathy through INVITING their participation; through creating an environment that makes others feel welcome

All of these things and so many more are marks to follow and embrace with passion and FUN... and now is the time!

I'm ready, I've begun, I'm beginning, I'm going.. it's on! Jump In, lovers.

what makes me happy?

2006-04-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i've had the motivation or spark inside of me to post something here on my little space of growth and freedom. does this mean i'm not growing, changing, experiencing the world in a different light? probably not. but that's a question worth exploring the answer to. maybe i haven't been in-tune with all of the growth that's been happening inside of myself lately.

nevertheless:

i've been tugging inside of myself lately, trying to draw some kind of conclusion about the way i've been feeling or the experiences i've been having at Maryland. . .i just don't know how much is coming out. i've been focusing a lot on academics, trying to make friends here, and trying to balance those things while maintaining my beautiful relationship and friendships that are far away. while all of these things are important and necessary and good things to be doing, i feel like i've been losing sight of a special drive and creativity that lurks within me to act passionately in making a difference. as a member of CIVICUS i participate in lots of different community service projects that are all for good causes, but they're also all other people's creations.

this is what i'm currently processing through based on this weird inertia i've been feeling (or at least felt today):

i'm really learning a lot about myself by being here. i'm learning what i have to do to be happy with my life and myself, and so much of that depends on personally creating/inventing something that can be beneficial to others.
so much of that depends on the opportunity for me to be a good friend to others and offer advice when needed or just be there to listen or learn from them.
so much of that depends on partaking in meaningful experiences that teach me more about who i am or challenge who i think i am.
so much of that depends on straying from drama and petty concerns of others.
so much of that depends on challenging myself to be a better student and learner.
so much of that depends on maintaining the long-distance relationships i'm in.
so much of that depends on gaining as much independence as i possibly can.
so much of that depends on learning how to relax about the things i'm not good at or feel uncomfortable doing and just try my best.
i'm learning that to be happy with my life and myself i have to keep discovering myself and constantly stay true to that discovery.

and yeah, it's not easy at all. there are all types of people or places or ways to give in to what others are or expect you to be. but my expectation of myself and what i want to be has to be my first priority. and i'm learning to make it that.

and i'm proud of myself for all that's developing. and i'm really glad that i just took the time to sort through where i feel like i stand and where i want to be, because that's all part of the process that leading me to the best places inside of myself.

i'm off to write my proposal for individual studies (casual third environment studies-cultural, social, and managerial issues in the casual third environment)... basically, my footprint on the world and attempt at creating beauty in casual social interaction.

have a wonderful night
with so much love,
rach

Spring time

2006-03-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

i just love the smell of spring. New beginnings arriving all the while school coming to a teetering end, and the taste of rain as flowers awaken from a long, restful sleep. The moon shines bright this evening and I've decided to hold hands with stars while I saunter around alone in the majesty of all that hides behind the shadows of night. I remember a shadow of deception behind which I used to play, teasing myself with the possibility of wealth in something unfulfilling to yearn for. And the body--mine, his--that blocked illumiation from the moon, while allowing false stars to sink deep into my eyes and leave me struck by what I thougt to be love. And although now, a new and righteous fond affection has developed into sincere devotion and care, these nights I walk alone under a sky clear and free from any shadows other than my own, these nights wake me like the flowers budding with the new life of this beautiful spring, this beautiful forgiving beginning. And I am allowed to grow here, alone, under the moonlight and then sunlight and then rain and then peace. I am allowed to grow here. In peace.

Ready...to not give up.

2006-03-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

Imagine all of the great things we accomplish when we never give up.

And all of the ways we can gain so much more from taking a harder road to get there.

The realization has always been enough to get me moving, and I realize I need to not give up so quickly on the endeavors I seek. Even the smallest actions can demonstrate my willingness to throw the towel in with ease. Like stopping my math homework once I get to a question I don't understand instead of looking back in the text book. Or for that matter, not doing my math homework at all. (For this is giving up on something bigger--homework in general) But even bigger than homework--myself, my relationships, my life. A disaster builds with one hole in the package, one leak in the container, one mask on the face of reality...just one. But the same holds true for a beautiful life. It begins to take form with just one act accomplished all the way through, one success, one dream achieved, one goal completed. Just one, and life is born.

Well, I'm sure I've accomplished many more than just one goal or dream or success... but I think it appropriate sometimes to clear the slate and start over at zero, avoiding a life of inertia, and rather recognizing all of the beginnings we have available, waiting for us to seek, work at, and not give up until achieved.

Because it is valid and appropriate to imagine all of the great things we accomplish when we never give up on them, on ourselves, or on eachother. And it is also true that to live with this sort of unwillingness to cease until finding satisfaction is never an easy task, but certainly an admirable goal.

And today, I'm ready to be admirable.

(These thoughts inspired by the help of Brian J. Ward)

Amid It All

2006-03-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

Beauty flies through my window kissing me behind the ear
with sweet scents of spring, life, alive, living...
Dancing. Moving me alfresco
The Greens of my skirt ballet
gracefully rising from skin to sky
Skin to Sky
As my body surrenders to the ground
Jaded grass awakening after a weary sleep
And it seems fitting
how my atire fits the Ground I lay myself down upon

"Excuse me, could I ask a few questions?"
(Life always demands us quick thinking.)
"Certainly...Lay down with me
We can laugh and pose responses
of Grand imaginings"
Humming voices make steady songs
In between long thoughts I speak
And Growing bodies hold on to the
Child who keeps the soccer ball at his feet
"What do you believe the dandilions would say
if they could speak?"
"Why, they would say, Those
Trees are the most Beautiful Mountains
we have ever seen.
They fall and dwindle
but then find Life in some hidden ring
Within the bark, some deeper root
Under the ground--they find Life
from jaded to Jade, from rust to Rose,
from withered to White, flowers of Life Bloom on trees long Barren
because they Believe with stability like a
Mountain, and versatility like a human
that Life's rhythm will repeat.
Those trees are the most beautiful when they fall
For us dandilions to see until we are all covered in Life
once lived
And then we let our petals fall, too."

Tossing and turning under blue skies amid
green grasses of life just born
Life snuck up on me to ask a question
And I answered what I thought I knew.
To my own surprise I was correct.
See, a dandilion already dead could never see
Canyons of eternity in trees.

The Cafe

2006-03-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

I walked into the bookstore
And I entered a dance floor
Looking around like a child on a playground
Just woken up from nap time
Searching for my next adventure
Like tag and kiss, or marco polo
Any game of give and take would do

I walked around the bookstore
Moving as though it were a dance floor
Spinning around under arms of strangers
Open eyes reading smiles
Searching for a friend
Someone to salsa in conversation
Any move of back and forth would do

I walked through the book store
Leaving the dance floor
Daring to dream in the dark
Close tables, close faces
Small spaces between inviting souls
Words dancing scandal and adventure
In and out, I leave

I walked away from the bookstore
I found a better dance floor
My partner unchanging
Our hearts in steady tune
Searching for a greater resonance
Love coupling consistant faith
All that was given up has given back
And I'm still dancing

A New Blog for New Beginnings

2006-02-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

Upon my last endeavor blogging I found that I was not fully writing for myself, but rather for an audience, and this ended up troubling me to the point where the blog had to end and some serious time had to be spent nourishing, feeding and loving my own words for myself, to myself, simply because I wanted to write them. Also, a dedication of solitude and independence was attempted with the hopes of feeling more self-fulfilled.

To an extent, I was successful. I did a good amount of soul searching, self analysis, and working through changes and struggles.

What kept me blogging for so long, and what has me coming back is the forum and style that blogging takes. I realized that blogging is a great way to have a one sided conversation, and sometimes I just need this much time and this much space to speak my thoughts without any interruptions. Indeed, I have an audience. Audiences work for me, though! So long as I remember that the words I write really do serve the purpose of articulating how I feel... not just sufficing an audience's needs; because that's simply not my intention. I have a lot to say... and not just things to say to myself. (although they can still be for myself). I have a lot to say that I'd love for other people to hear. Or read, or at least have the chance to understand.

So I welcome myself back to the world of blogging. And I welcome back any and all readers.

I am not living with the goal of complete independence, for that would leave out all of the opportunities and beauties that couple great connections and love. And surely, those are not things I plan on or wish to leave out.

My writings may be more sparse than the last time, in that I'll be more mature about what I share and what I keep for myself. I ask that your comments share that same maturity.

Here's to a new beginning.