what makes me happy?

it's been a while since i've had the motivation or spark inside of me to post something here on my little space of growth and freedom. does this mean i'm not growing, changing, experiencing the world in a different light? probably not. but that's a question worth exploring the answer to. maybe i haven't been in-tune with all of the growth that's been happening inside of myself lately.

nevertheless:


i've been tugging inside of myself lately, trying to draw some kind of conclusion about the way i've been feeling or the experiences i've been having at Maryland. . .i just don't know how much is coming out. i've been focusing a lot on academics, trying to make friends here, and trying to balance those things while maintaining my beautiful relationship and friendships that are far away. while all of these things are important and necessary and good things to be doing, i feel like i've been losing sight of a special drive and creativity that lurks within me to act passionately in making a difference. as a member of CIVICUS i participate in lots of different community service projects that are all for good causes, but they're also all other people's creations.

this is what i'm currently processing through based on this weird inertia i've been feeling (or at least felt today):

i'm really learning a lot about myself by being here. i'm learning what i have to do to be happy with my life and myself, and so much of that depends on personally creating/inventing something that can be beneficial to others.
so much of that depends on the opportunity for me to be a good friend to others and offer advice when needed or just be there to listen or learn from them.
so much of that depends on partaking in meaningful experiences that teach me more about who i am or challenge who i think i am.
so much of that depends on straying from drama and petty concerns of others.
so much of that depends on challenging myself to be a better student and learner.
so much of that depends on maintaining the long-distance relationships i'm in.
so much of that depends on gaining as much independence as i possibly can.
so much of that depends on learning how to relax about the things i'm not good at or feel uncomfortable doing and just try my best.
i'm learning that to be happy with my life and myself i have to keep discovering myself and constantly stay true to that discovery.

and yeah, it's not easy at all. there are all types of people or places or ways to give in to what others are or expect you to be. but my expectation of myself and what i want to be has to be my first priority. and i'm learning to make it that.



and i'm proud of myself for all that's developing. and i'm really glad that i just took the time to sort through where i feel like i stand and where i want to be, because that's all part of the process that leading me to the best places inside of myself.

i'm off to write my proposal for individual studies (casual third environment studies-cultural, social, and managerial issues in the casual third environment)... basically, my footprint on the world and attempt at creating beauty in casual social interaction.

have a wonderful night
with so much love,
rach