Rigorously.
Somewhat Relentlessly.
(It's 1:35am and I have a paper to write but instead I've been reading a book Brian lent me entitled "non-Christian religions from A-Z". This is my priority right now. It has to be or it won't get done.)
So I'm exploring all of the options. My devout roommate's opinions, my agnostic Philosophy professor, both new and old friends, history, the Unitarian church in D.C., what different religions view as God...and I'm just letting myself take it all in.
And I won't know what I believe for a while (or possibly EVER).
But even this much is more affirming than never searching.
And I'm glad I'm taking the risk, digging and delving into something that I never let myself explore in this way before. I'm proud of myself for actually reading the book, and listening to more than one person, and not letting myself automatically say, "yeah! that sounds great! me too!", but taking the time to think and question and ponder and feel my way through it all.
And perhaps I'll keep this blog updated with my different findings. We'll see. One never knows with me and my lack of consistent blogging. haha.
Love yall.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
What lies within the void?
Sometimes I feel as though I lack the space or community or means by which I will find the things I'm looking for within myself, my beliefs, and my journey in this world. Sometimes I'm not really sure what I'm even looking for to begin with... but I know something's missing and I can't place a name or label on it. I'm left with this itching void and the question of what's causing the void and what could possibly fill it up.
Lately, I've been interested in some kind of greater spiritual journey--a sense of understanding "what life's all about". Asking the big questions and finding some sort of fulfilling answer. Not necessarily an end-all be-all answer, because I don't really believe that there's a such thing... but an answer that works for me. I find my indecision getting in the way of claiming any set of beliefs to be my own without offering the contrary opinion or claiming that I could very well be mistaken.
Although, a lot of me feels like at this point in my life that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not supposed to have things figured out. I'm supposed to question, struggle, contradict, and question some more. The real difficulty--or what I find an extra struggle in this process--is feeling like SOME things ARE figured out...or more figured out than others... and the consistency of the "figured out" aspects takes away from my ability to focus on the less-understood demensions of my life. It's as though I need my whole life to be completely desheveled to feel like I can actually figure ANYthing out.
But in mentioning this it really makes me think that's not the case at all. Rather, I should have some kind of discipline to follow through on my questioning as well as a discipline to seperate the struggles I'm having in my life from the aspects that bring me joy.
Has anyone else experienced similar feelings/thoughts? Anyone come out on top? Have any advice?
I'm glad to be seeking out a greater sense of community and "social capital" as Robert Putnam would call it. Perhaps that will help fill the void. Or at least help me understand it.
Nevertheless, this life is beautiful for the opportunity to think and feel and connect to other people. Today is a gorgeous day. I'm about to take a run with a new friend which I'm sure will be refreshing. I hope you find some kind of joy in the day.
Love,
Rachael
Lately, I've been interested in some kind of greater spiritual journey--a sense of understanding "what life's all about". Asking the big questions and finding some sort of fulfilling answer. Not necessarily an end-all be-all answer, because I don't really believe that there's a such thing... but an answer that works for me. I find my indecision getting in the way of claiming any set of beliefs to be my own without offering the contrary opinion or claiming that I could very well be mistaken.
Although, a lot of me feels like at this point in my life that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not supposed to have things figured out. I'm supposed to question, struggle, contradict, and question some more. The real difficulty--or what I find an extra struggle in this process--is feeling like SOME things ARE figured out...or more figured out than others... and the consistency of the "figured out" aspects takes away from my ability to focus on the less-understood demensions of my life. It's as though I need my whole life to be completely desheveled to feel like I can actually figure ANYthing out.
But in mentioning this it really makes me think that's not the case at all. Rather, I should have some kind of discipline to follow through on my questioning as well as a discipline to seperate the struggles I'm having in my life from the aspects that bring me joy.
Has anyone else experienced similar feelings/thoughts? Anyone come out on top? Have any advice?
I'm glad to be seeking out a greater sense of community and "social capital" as Robert Putnam would call it. Perhaps that will help fill the void. Or at least help me understand it.
Nevertheless, this life is beautiful for the opportunity to think and feel and connect to other people. Today is a gorgeous day. I'm about to take a run with a new friend which I'm sure will be refreshing. I hope you find some kind of joy in the day.
Love,
Rachael
Monday, September 11, 2006
"we're better off for all that we let in"
I never really know myself until I see who I am.
Today I was overwhelmed with an unbarable anxiety upon receiving certain news. It was then, walking home on a cool late summer afternoon, that I realized who I think I am and who I actually am often run in contradiction. I believe myself to be very open-minded, accepting and embracing of diversity, a willing communicator, and an optimist at all costs. But when I froze up today it made me realize how untrue my self-evaluation can be when my limits and comfort zone are really challenged. Do I rise to the test and eliminate barriers and pre-conceived notions? Or do I hold these unwanted feelings deep inside to eat away at my comfortability? The truth for me is somewhere in between depending on situation, circumstance, and honestly--my mood.
I realize that in knowing this, who I think I am is really a projection of who I want to become. But only in identifying where I actually stand now, can I ever become the greatest person that I know waits somewhere inside of me.
With this, I'm really glad that I'm in the place to challenge myself to grow and eliminate whatever factors feed my anxiety in certain situations. The opportunity is here to take my inhibitions and break free.
It is in seeing who I am not that I begin to understand who I really am. And only then do I create the room to become who I really want to be.
Today I was overwhelmed with an unbarable anxiety upon receiving certain news. It was then, walking home on a cool late summer afternoon, that I realized who I think I am and who I actually am often run in contradiction. I believe myself to be very open-minded, accepting and embracing of diversity, a willing communicator, and an optimist at all costs. But when I froze up today it made me realize how untrue my self-evaluation can be when my limits and comfort zone are really challenged. Do I rise to the test and eliminate barriers and pre-conceived notions? Or do I hold these unwanted feelings deep inside to eat away at my comfortability? The truth for me is somewhere in between depending on situation, circumstance, and honestly--my mood.
I realize that in knowing this, who I think I am is really a projection of who I want to become. But only in identifying where I actually stand now, can I ever become the greatest person that I know waits somewhere inside of me.
With this, I'm really glad that I'm in the place to challenge myself to grow and eliminate whatever factors feed my anxiety in certain situations. The opportunity is here to take my inhibitions and break free.
It is in seeing who I am not that I begin to understand who I really am. And only then do I create the room to become who I really want to be.
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