In a pool of time, I see space for reflection

The year is coming to an end and I'm feeling ready to reflect on a whole lot. I've been anxious, actually, to sit down and gather some of my thoughts...but haven't picked the time or place to do it. So here I am, 3:42 a.m. on a Wednesday morning with no final until Thursday, ready and taking the time.

In what ways have I changed, grown, become more myself in this past year? How have those changes made me feel? What has been the hardest thing for me to do? What am I struggling with now? How do I want to approach the challenges that lay ahead? What am I excited for?

Wow. I actually sat here and tried to answer these questions in a non-complex way... until I realized that I've had way too many experiences and influences to name on any amount of internet space. So I feel it necessary to add a disclaimer that I in no way am serving justice to the amount and magnitude of life that has taken place in a year.


I've left a lot behind in the past year. I've let go of parts of my past and parts of myself that needed letting go of. I've challenged myself to pick up the slack inside of myself in areas where I didn't even know I was slacking. I've realized that I can have confidence in the amazing person that I am, and that I can call myself amazing--and that self-assurance is a trait that I've always believed I had inside, but was never able to fully understand or actually practice until I recognized how much I depended on others affirming my awesomeness. In this way, I have really changed and grown into a more self-loving person through my self-actualizations and it feels really great. I love that I am able now to say to myself with confidence that I am a wonderful person in so many ways and not need to hear it from someone else to actually have it hit. At the same time, this self-actualization has not led to an omnipotent or flawless image of myself; rather, it has allowed me even more to take my flaws at face value as room for more growth and improvement. And that's really encouraging and affirming because it makes me feel like I can accomplish anything inside of myself that I see as important because I allow myself to recognize those "flaws" as okay and human.

To contrast this thought, I definitely still struggle with being okay with not knowing what's going to come of the rest of my life/my future. I'm 19 years old and it's so hard for me to rid my desire to know the way everything's going to turn out. Well maybe not the end all be all everything, but more like the next 5-10 years (with Brian, with grad school, with my coffeehouse, with where I'll live, etc.) This is a silly way to allow my mind to run, I realize... and I'd really like to find some sort of spiritual circling that brings my thoughts to a more unified and faithful element--not faithful to the point that thoughts and actions would become second to some unwarrented belief, but faithful in the sense that I can believe in myself and in the nature of life that things will happen as they should and that right now I can only actually act on right now... while what I do now undoubtably affects later, the future will come when the present passes... and i cannot speed up time!--nor do I want to. I just try to, oftentimes. Basically, I want to be okay with what I cannot control...and I don't want to try to control or predict what will happen in every instance of my life, which I tend to do. I'd feel really encouraged to talk to someone in the realm of religion and just talk about these things. I would love and really benefit from that, I think. Plus, it would be interesting to hear a different perspective on faith and religion and what that can bring to a person's life.

This year, I've been told more than ever that I'm really "artistic", "deep", "passionate", "different".... I suppose these have always been things I knew were true about myself, but for some reason when I heard people describe me this way, it seemed so odd that I was viewed as that kind of person to others. I think a lot of my surprised reaction was because in high school I ended up weeding out the people who I didn't feel I was that compatible with and surrounded myself with people very similar to myself. So of course, my friends who were also "artistic", "deep" and "passionate" didn't think I was "different" as much as people here seem to voice. I feel okay with this view I've been told, but at the same time, I'm really excited to find more people here who don't stop with those discriptions. I mean, I'm not looking for friends just like me, in fact, I'd love to surround myself with people who are different--I just want people who appreciate the differences in others and are open and willing to embrace that exposure. That would be awesome. Think how much we'd learn about each other and humanity!

It's been really hard for me to transition back and forth from school life to home life. My life at home is so defined it seems in terms of family and friends, in some ways that are wonderful and encouraging, and some that are frusterating and hard to surpass/work with... and when I'm at school I really try to mold my life into what I want it to be, with no expectations for others or from others, and I find that to be really relaxing and powerful. Even the great things at home can sometimes feel static or already molded into something that takes a long process for me to work out and find flexibility in again... I guess that's the big thing-- I like to live my life with flexibility, and at school there's tons of it... the whole experience of college feels so transitory to me (probably because I transferred...and because it is!)... and that's hard but freeing simultaneously. And home just feels so different... so permanent. And compared to the way I've been living, it practically is permanent. So I really want to think about ways to approach going home differently...because I'M NOT PERMANENT! For instance, when I'm feeling frusterated with a lack of encouragment, I want to step back and view that source as people who love me and are only trying to help, rather than people that discourage me or make me feel like crap. I have to have enough belief in myself that their encouragement or lack of it will not affect my goals or confidence that I can accomplish whatever the task may be. Also, I want to be able to jump back in to the way of things with my friends, but I also want to be understanding with myself and open with them that it's hard for me to just jump back in when it's been so long that I've practiced being without them.

Brian has changed my life. Being in love with Brian has changed my life even more. I believe in so many powerful things that I really did not believe in before. I believe so much more in the individual's capability to change and grow for something they really are willing to work for...because that's what love has done for me. I feel like being in love is not something that benefits my life purly for the being in love part--but for the fact that if embraced fully, it can model the way that everything in life should be approached: with willingness, flexibility, consistency, understanding, standards, hard work, compromise, faith, trust, fidelity, logic, heart, and lots and lots of practice. (plus many more things)... but I feel like implementing these actions into my every-day relationship with Brian has encouraged me to implement these actions in other aspects of my life, like friends, school work, my plans for the future and how to work towards them, etc... some actions are more applicable, but espcially practice, consistency, willingness and hard work. Love is a beautiful thing for better teaching me how to grow.

Well I'm not quite sure if I adressed all of my questions, but this was good to reflect some. Expect more in the near future... It always pours out around this time...

Goodnight, lovely people.