over the bump

alright, so enough moaning and groaning for the time being. i've only got a few things to say basically because it's 4a.m. and i'm just getting home from a shift at the perk.

although a few things is never as short as i intend for it to be when the whole thing starts clicking away. . .

first of all, i'm so thankful for my mother and father and brother and family. my dad bought this new machine that transcribes VHS and 8mm tapes onto DVD because he wants to start a side business "saving family memories" (which i think is a great idea)... so anyway, he's doing all of our family's first before he moves on to the big times... meaning that i've been watching a ton of old home videos i've never seen before from when i was about 1 and a half years old. my parents were such good fricking parents! not to mention i had the BEST older brother ever... michael was always teaching me how to do things... saying "good job, rachey. i love you, rachey. look what rachey just did!" it was so cute. HE was so cute. i just love my family and i feel so grateful for all of the wonderful and diverse gifts i've been receiving from them my entire life. (meaning that something's can be gifts even if we hate them when we receive them...metaphorically speaking) it's so beautiful and special.

also... lately i've been so glad to ask people questions, listen to their answer, but then really question their answer for myself. when i write that it seems to me like such an obvious turn of events and way of going about interacting with others. but in actuality, this method is very different from the one i've become accustomed to which includes: asking people questions, listening to their answer, and if it's at all in the realm of things i could believe, assuming that what they've said is also what i believe.... i've learned that this is not a good way to take in what people say to me, because then i allow myself to get lost in some vague dream of what others believe as my own set of righteous standards... but even worse, in the case that i'm not really thinking through what someone says, i usually don't hold myself accountable to what they've said... but rather, the people i'm close to and love are the ones that must live up to someone else’s standards that i merely relay over.

after realizing this turn of events that i allow my mind to go through, and witnessing the damage i cause when doing so, i decided i really had to stop letting other's opinions that i've heard, dictate what i expect of others.
SO---(the point, ladies and gentlemen)--i've really, REALLY been practicing a new kind of art. . . THINKING! i realize i may be acting condescending towards myself right now, but the reality is that for a long time, when talking to someone with whom i share a similar mind-set, i hadn't usually thought through what they had said to me, really examining and questioning it for myself to see how far or near my own view of the topic was from theirs. however, this is something i've been working very consciously at to improve... and it's been something i've been able to find a deep (and fairly quick) satisfaction in doing.

it's also really great working at college perk at this point, because people are ALWAYS spitting out some opinion of theirs that i could potentially believe, yet i'm really not sure if i do... and so i'm provided with ideas and beliefs to think about all the time. and i'm deeply thankful for that as well.


i don't know if i can really express how lucky i am to be in a relationship with brian. not only does the sound of his voice never fail to make me smile, but the courage and commitment that he displays provides me with all kinds of motivation and encouragement to become a better person every single day. i love that there are so many things i admire about brian all the while i know there are things he admires equally about me. it's just good. period.

another thing: kathleen told me some things about the way i can treat people that i needed to hear and that was really helpful. thanks, kat. i love you.
another thing: jodi's got a show coming up this thursday at the daily grind and i'm sure it'll be especially awesome... but even greater if you came, too.


that's all for now. i may mow the lawn tomorrow with the hopes of getting a bit of a tan.

oh, one more thing: i started reading "socrates cafe" by christopher phillips, recommended by the lovely judy (thanks!) and it's just the perfect book for me to be reading right now. it really emphasizes the importance of asking yourself questions to gain a deeper understanding of who you are and what you believe.

i think i feel really good to know that there's a whole lot i don't know about myself yet. i feel strangely comfortable in my naiveté that lay at the bottom of nowhere. because i feel as though there's no where to get really, except closer to myself... and i don't know if i have to rush to do that because i'll be doing it my whole life. and not rushing myself takes the pressure off, which actually relieves me and allows me to be more understanding and patient with myself. i view this as a very good thing.

okay, and now i really will go to sleep.


thanks for reading this. this is the space i take to extrovert to myself for as long as i'd like before others get to say anything back.


when i was a kid i used to talk to myself in the bathroom mirror.
all the time.